Death and Dying – Wellness Shepherd

The holiday season for many in the northern hemisphere is sometimes fraught with sadness, sorrow, and a sense of loss. Thankfully, there is an invitation for comfort and a unique panacea of sorts… a Grief Choir.

What is a Grief Choir and how did I end up attending one?

Elizabeth Gill Lui, the thoughtful leader of Death Café at the Los Angeles Philosophical Research Society, has a mailing list. I am thankfully on it. Her interests and friendships are deep and wide from experiences as a fine arts photographer, author, educator, end-of-life doula, and more.

I read about the gathering and felt compelled to attend.

So, on December 22, at the time of the solstice (shortest and darkest day of the year, but also the birth of light), I found my way to the First Congregational Church of Los Angeles to listen to a choir. I was curious.

Here is what happened:

I arrived late, by minutes.

About 30 folks were gathered quietly on chairs in a circle.

The Resonance Collective hosts, Artistic Director Fahad Siadat and clinical psychotherapist Cynthia Siadat smiled in my direction and welcomed me warmly. Someone added a chair so I could join the circle. Lovely.

The leaders shared…they created the concept of Grief Choir out of “a desire to hold space outside a particular religious context during times of loss.” The gathering was intended as a ritual “to sit with the darkness of grief and the growing light of the community with whom it is shared.” A special event, free, to sing and heal. No experience required.

Cynthia passed around a basket with pens and white cards. She asked attendees to write three words for why they came. The cards were collected in the basket and passed around again. This time each of us picked a card from the basket. Then we read aloud from the card we picked. Many reasons were remembrances – names of persons (or pets) who had passed. Do not know for certain as do not know who wrote the names or why. Touching to listen to, especially since none of us knew each other, and a way to feel connected to the community of 30.

Below is a photo of the First Congregational Church of Los Angeles meeting room. For reasons of privacy, no photos of the gathering on the other side of the bridge table.

Fahad then introduced the East Indian wooden shruti box, akin to a harmonium, sitting on his lap.

If interested, you may read about the shruti box here:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shruti_box

The box has bellows. Fahad slowly opened and closed the box like an accordion. There was no melody, but a drone sound with each movement. And then Fahad would hum and guide a sound meditation. The group was invited to respond and hum with him. A call to grief if you will. The sounds defied description.

This was quite a surprise for me as I thought I had attended to listen to a choir. As it was then apparent, the choir consisted of all who attended, me included.

The humming at times took on the sound of gentle, tender, almost-wailing. Difficult to describe, intangible, something one must experience. Perhaps a bit of the ululations (zagrouta in Arabic), bouncing from lament to joy but not exactly that. Most of all, a feeling of support from others in the circle. Eyes were closed or open. Fahad and Cynthia had created a safe space. Mellow feelings at the end of the hour.

Fahad (imagine a modern-day Sufi or Rumi) has been described by the LA Times as a “fanciful and downright utopian artist and thinker”. His bio states he “explores sound as spiritual practice, creating interdisciplinary pieces as a vehicle for unveiling the mystery of our interconnected world.” An apt description.

I am pleased to have attended. Unique and memorable. For those who are in Los Angeles and interested, the next Grief Choir is scheduled for the Summer Solstice somewhere around June 20, 2025. The announcement will be made on the Resonance Collective website.

For information about the Resonance Collective and Fahad Siadat see:

https://www.resonancecollective.org/fahadsiadat.html

For information about Cynthia Siadat see:

https://www.iamlivingfully.com/bio

For more about Elizabeth Gill Lui see:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_Gill_Lui

Wendy Jane Carrel, MA, is a Spanish-speaking senior care advocate from California. She has travelled Mexico (and Latin America) for several years researching health systems, senior care, and end-of-life care to connect Americans, Canadians, and Europeans with healing options for loved ones. She is a compassionate companion and palliative care liaison, legacy writer, co-founder of Café Mortality Ajijic/now Death Café Ajijic and founding member/speaker of the Beautiful Dying Expo (USA). She is a trauma-informed, gentle End-of-Life Doula (National End-of-Life Doula Alliance proficient), a speaker and published author on subjects related to senior well-being, and serves on the City of West Hollywood’s Older Adult Advisory Board. Wendy’s web site is https://www.WellnessShepherd.com

A group of American, Canadian, and UK ex-pats and “snowbirds” recently gathered for the first Death Café Ajijic, Mexico. There were 18 persons present at Café El Grano including an anesthesiologist, a hospice nurse, a hospice social worker, a psychiatrist, teachers, and others. There were two facilitators who work with end-of-life planning and transitions.

If the term Death Café (excuse the direct wording, I prefer Sacred Conversation) is new to you, you may hear it more and more. Death Cafes or Café Mortels began with Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz who held over 100 such meetings in his native country until recently. In 2011, Jon Underwood, inspired by Crettaz, created Death Cafes in England (see history at http://deathcafe.com/what/ ).

These all-volunteer social events to discuss death and dying respectfully and informally (no agenda) are now held in 52 countries including Australia, Europe, Canada, the U.S., and parts of Latin America where death has sometimes, but not always, been a foreboding and scary subject. Buddhist, Hindu, or Muslim countries, and places with indigenous populations tend to consider death a natural part of life and honor it as such more easily. Most café organizers work with end-of-life, and tend to focus on alternative, kinder, spiritual ways of departing. Note: There is a Death Café in Singapore.

“At a Death Café… our aim is to increase awareness of death to help people make the most of their (finite) lives,” states the Café web site. Most of all, the Café encourages an exchange of stories and perspectives as a way to embrace death.

What prompted a Death Café in Ajijic?

First, a number of retired ex-pats and visitors die in Mexico unexpectedly, and, they die without a health care directive and/or an end-of-life plan. There is a need for continued conversation and education.

Second, Loretta Downs, MA, has been speaking to locals at a popular venue, Open Circle (as well as at In the Heart of Awareness, the Buddhist center), about end-of-life for several years. She flies in from Chicago every January to deliver her talks. About 300 + persons show up to listen as she encourages her audiences to become friendly with the idea of mortality and to prepare for it – think about it, and express to others what you want. See http://www.endoflifeinspirations.com.

DSCN2635 — Wendy Jane Carrel and Loretta Downs, End-of-Life Guides, Planners, and Educators; Co-Hosts of Death Cafe Ajijic 2018

Third, yours truly, Wendy Jane Carrel, MA, has been speaking to ex-pats around Ecuador for three years and subsequently in Mexico with the same passionate message – make friends with your demise, please make a plan.

It seemed natural for Loretta and I to team up to host a Café for Lake Chapala.

My interests had been reinforced as a result of volunteering two years at Juntos Contra el Dolor, the only 24/7 palliative care hospital and hospice in the state of Jalisco, a model for Mexico. I was given the gift of observing how painful chronic and terminal illnesses are treated, the politics of medicine, the politics of opioids, cultural difficulties related to dying, family constellations, and the difficulties of running a non-profit in a rich country (yes, rich in many resources) with little tradition of philanthropy. Most of all, I learned the concept of a “good death” requires much education and outreach in Mexico as well as at home.

Loretta’s friend Nancy Gershman, who produces Death Café NYC, gave us welcome pointers before the Ajijic meeting. We followed Nancy’s advice – small tables of 3-4 for intimate conversation, one of us (Loretta) to circulate and ensure participant exchanges were flowing, see that anyone who was recently grieving the loss of a loved one was comfortable, followed-up by an evaluation to learn what we could do better the next time. https://www.meetup.com/Death-Cafe-New-York-City/

Cafe El Grano, nice partitions for intimate conversation — Cafe El Grano, Ajijic, Mexico – nice partitions and small tables for intimate conversation – also a most accommodating owner 😉

Because Loretta and I travel often, she is based in Chicago, and I in LA, we may not be producing other cafes until January 2019 unless another healthcare worker can pick-up in our absence.

Note: If you have not heard of Ajijic, it’s a sleepy Lake Chapala village, with a population of around 10,000, an hour south of Guadalajara. It is a popular tourist destination. Lake Chapala is home to around 20,000 full-time retirees from north-of-the border.

The DeathCafe.com web site indicates there are 9 death cafes in Mexico. I could only find one. It is located in Mexico City. See http://deathcafe.com/deathcafe/1695/ .

I have so much more to learn. I am now eager to return home to attend hospice social worker and end-of-life guide Betsy Trapasso’s Death Café LA https://www.facebook.com/deathcafelosangeles/ or Maggie Yenoki’s gathering in Pasadena https://www.facebook.com/deathcafepasadena/

References

https://www.counterpunch.org/2018/01/12/what-happens-at-a-death-cafe/ excellent overview of a Death Café gathering in Sonoma, California by Shepherd Bliss

https://www.theguardian.com/healthcare-network/2017/mar/09/death-cafe-learn-talk-dying-patients

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2017/07/10/the-founder-of-death-cafe-has-died-but-his-movement-to-accept-the-inevitable-end-of-life-will-live-on/

https://www.facebook.com/DEATH-Cafe-Singapore-402018853254286/ a unique look at what Death Café Singapore is paying attention to

https://www.prospectmagazine.co.uk/magazine/take-me-to-the-death-cafe

Tag: Death and Dying

Grief Choir: A Surprisingly Poignant Experience During the Holidays

Death Café Ajijic, Mexico; Ex-Pats and Snowbirds Talk Gently about Mortality