grief – Wellness Shepherd

The holiday season for many in the northern hemisphere is sometimes fraught with sadness, sorrow, and a sense of loss. Thankfully, there is an invitation for comfort and a unique panacea of sorts… a Grief Choir.

What is a Grief Choir and how did I end up attending one?

Elizabeth Gill Lui, the thoughtful leader of Death Café at the Los Angeles Philosophical Research Society, has a mailing list. I am thankfully on it. Her interests and friendships are deep and wide from experiences as a fine arts photographer, author, educator, end-of-life doula, and more.

I read about the gathering and felt compelled to attend.

So, on December 22, at the time of the solstice (shortest and darkest day of the year, but also the birth of light), I found my way to the First Congregational Church of Los Angeles to listen to a choir. I was curious.

Here is what happened:

I arrived late, by minutes.

About 30 folks were gathered quietly on chairs in a circle.

The Resonance Collective hosts, Artistic Director Fahad Siadat and clinical psychotherapist Cynthia Siadat smiled in my direction and welcomed me warmly. Someone added a chair so I could join the circle. Lovely.

The leaders shared…they created the concept of Grief Choir out of “a desire to hold space outside a particular religious context during times of loss.” The gathering was intended as a ritual “to sit with the darkness of grief and the growing light of the community with whom it is shared.” A special event, free, to sing and heal. No experience required.

Cynthia passed around a basket with pens and white cards. She asked attendees to write three words for why they came. The cards were collected in the basket and passed around again. This time each of us picked a card from the basket. Then we read aloud from the card we picked. Many reasons were remembrances – names of persons (or pets) who had passed. Do not know for certain as do not know who wrote the names or why. Touching to listen to, especially since none of us knew each other, and a way to feel connected to the community of 30.

Below is a photo of the First Congregational Church of Los Angeles meeting room. For reasons of privacy, no photos of the gathering on the other side of the bridge table.

Fahad then introduced the East Indian wooden shruti box, akin to a harmonium, sitting on his lap.

If interested, you may read about the shruti box here:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shruti_box

The box has bellows. Fahad slowly opened and closed the box like an accordion. There was no melody, but a drone sound with each movement. And then Fahad would hum and guide a sound meditation. The group was invited to respond and hum with him. A call to grief if you will. The sounds defied description.

This was quite a surprise for me as I thought I had attended to listen to a choir. As it was then apparent, the choir consisted of all who attended, me included.

The humming at times took on the sound of gentle, tender, almost-wailing. Difficult to describe, intangible, something one must experience. Perhaps a bit of the ululations (zagrouta in Arabic), bouncing from lament to joy but not exactly that. Most of all, a feeling of support from others in the circle. Eyes were closed or open. Fahad and Cynthia had created a safe space. Mellow feelings at the end of the hour.

Fahad (imagine a modern-day Sufi or Rumi) has been described by the LA Times as a “fanciful and downright utopian artist and thinker”. His bio states he “explores sound as spiritual practice, creating interdisciplinary pieces as a vehicle for unveiling the mystery of our interconnected world.” An apt description.

I am pleased to have attended. Unique and memorable. For those who are in Los Angeles and interested, the next Grief Choir is scheduled for the Summer Solstice somewhere around June 20, 2025. The announcement will be made on the Resonance Collective website.

For information about the Resonance Collective and Fahad Siadat see:

https://www.resonancecollective.org/fahadsiadat.html

For information about Cynthia Siadat see:

https://www.iamlivingfully.com/bio

For more about Elizabeth Gill Lui see:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_Gill_Lui

Wendy Jane Carrel, MA, is a Spanish-speaking senior care advocate from California. She has travelled Mexico (and Latin America) for several years researching health systems, senior care, and end-of-life care to connect Americans, Canadians, and Europeans with healing options for loved ones. She is a compassionate companion and palliative care liaison, legacy writer, co-founder of Café Mortality Ajijic/now Death Café Ajijic and founding member/speaker of the Beautiful Dying Expo (USA). She is a trauma-informed, gentle End-of-Life Doula (National End-of-Life Doula Alliance proficient), a speaker and published author on subjects related to senior well-being, and serves on the City of West Hollywood’s Older Adult Advisory Board. Wendy’s web site is https://www.WellnessShepherd.com

The day after the annual End Well conference in Los Angeles, End Well presenter Alica Forneret, Executive Director of Time to Pause, hosted the non-profit’s first-ever Resource Fair focused on grief in multi-cultural communities. An ideal segue.

The fair was held at Our House, a non-profit grief support center in West Los Angeles. As the program noted, it was produced “by People of Color for People of Color.”

Alica personally welcomed all attendees at the entrance. A fine, warm beginning for what became a meaningful, memorable afternoon among the many who, according to Canadian sacred deathcare practitioner and teacher Sarah Kerr, PhD, “are called to transform how our culture(s) meet death and loss.”

First stop, one-hour with poet/writer Nicholas Reiner who offered reading and writing tools to navigate whatever stage of grief you may find yourself in. Nick lost his Los Angeles County Fireman and First Responder father in the line of duty. Nick was 9 years old at the time. Moving to hear his story, moving to hear Nick read his eloquent poem about this father in both English and Spanish, moving to hear letters of loss from others we read aloud. We were sent home with 10 pages of prompts, ideas, and other writings to ponder. Wonderful gift.

Next stop, the Book Nook with some current (and past) titles relating to death, dying, and grief by authors of color.

I was excited to continue to a glassed-in room where San Francisco Bay Area doulas Tida Beattie and Soyeon Davis had created a labyrinth of marigolds, pine cones, and plant branches from local flora. They had also created a labyrinth for the End Well conference the day before.

Tida and Soyeon provided directions about setting an intention before entering the labyrinth with suggestions for how to focus on your breath and feelings. They also provided a thoughtful sheet about the rich and diverse history of labyrinths.

I am a huge fan of these precious ladies from a Reimagine on-line meeting years ago and subsequent on-line gatherings about death, dying, and grief in Asian communities. Here below you may see and feel their open, receiving energy. Soyeon is on the left, Tida on the right:

Tida was on the mid-afternoon panel discussion. She spoke movingly and authentically about how difficult it is to navigate the subject of dying in an Asian family. Also on the panel were African-American cancer survivor Sonya Jackson, and Our House Latina social worker Jenny Rivera-Cruz with Alica Forneret as the moderator. Each of their experiences about navigating serious illness, death, and grief were compelling to listen to and at moments surprisingly humorous.

Photo below of Sonya, Tida, and Jenny on the Time to Pause afternoon panel:

Photo below of Executive Director Alica Forneret (blue and white blouse) as panel moderator with some of the audience:

The AC Care Alliance, a non-profit “faith and health caring community” focuses on the African-American experience yet serves all others. They received me graciously, just as they were packing up. My thanks to Regional Director Trevino Cochran for offering me a well-conceived, well-written Care Planning Workbook for Advanced Illness Care.

Jasmine Godinez-Gomez had a table with her Art for Grievers.

Mangda Sengvanhpheng, a Laotian-American, shared with me about her culture of care as a death doula since 2019. Her first name translates to light of the full moon. Her name fits her low key, calm and present with you manner.

A short film entitled Curating Grief by London-based filmmaker Jamie Max Lee, shot on location in Lisbon, was screened. Attendee Charlene Lam of http://www.curatinggrief.com is featured in the film. I look forward to viewing the film at another time. A trailer for the film is on Charlene’s website.

Bella Vida Hospice of Signal Hill, CA had a table. They focus on serving the Latino community.

There were many other participants to meet and appreciate.

About 200 authors, chaplains, nurses, caregivers, end-of-life doulas, poets, psychologists, social workers, and anyone interested or involved with cultural differences in end-of-life and grief attended the free event. The atmosphere was healing and supportive, and the fair well-organized and produced.

Several folks who attended End Well stopped by – National End-of-Life Doula Alliance President and Compassion & Choices African American Leadership Council member (AALC) Ashley Johnson from Orlando, Florida; Author/End-of-Life Doula Trainer/End Well speaker Alua Arthur of Los Angeles; SFO Bay Area Author/Hospice Nurse Gabrielle Elise Jimenez, Sarah Chavez of the Order of the Good Death whom I would have liked to have seen again (last time was in 2019) and many others.

If this gathering returns next year, and I hope it does, I have a prayer for possible Native American participation.

Many thanks to Alica and her equally passionate and engaging Time to Pause team for their attention to details and care. For more info on Alica and Time to Pause please see:

About PAUSE Leadership — PAUSE

Note: The End Well conference, produced since 2019 with immense heart and soul by Dr. Shoshana Ungerleider of San Francisco, is devoted to “making the end of life a part of life.” The conference has included diverse voices since inception. If interested, an edited 5-hour recording of this year’s End Well may be viewed on line at: https://endwellproject.org/live/ .

Tag: grief

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